many thinkings to do

everything is confirmed and it is pointless to look back and think. now, what's most important is my future. what do i visualise myself being as? what is my interests? will i be able to cope with the course? is it practical in Singapore society? there are so many doubts to clear and i feel like a lost sheep.

i always have interest in chem eng. it started in sec4 when my chem tutor was telling us a lot of stuff about chem eng, like the job scope, the high starting pay and how can the chem eng apply the chem concepts at work. it may sound boring to some but i like it. i want to pursue my interest because i believe that interest and passion are the driving force to work for the rest of my life after graduation. so i have been telling myself to follow my interests more than my brain because i am the person who allows my head to rule my heart.

after deciding on the course, how about the school? how can i judge each school on? i am currently not a student of any local universities. it is hard for me to decide which school is the better one without myself experiencing the school life myself. ask my seniors? that is a possible way to find out but different people adapt differently to the same environment. consult my tutors? yes, that's what i am going to do tmr and i hope it will be a fruitful trip. =) check on the schools' web and attend their open house? i cant make myself to believe everything i read and see at the open house. no school will be in the right mind to condemn itself on a website. some part of me feel that open house is just for show. it does not really showcase the true life of a student from that school to a large extent.

i need time to sit down and think about it but i cannot squeeze time out for myself. i am really very busy because of work now. besides working at my current working place, i took up a tuition assignment near my house. my first session is on this wednesday and i hope everything will be fine. my tutee will be a nice little kid and the parents are loving, caring and understanding. furthermore, i had started my first guitar class with QIFEI and mr moo on last saturday. everything is going fine except that i have trouble using my 4th finger for the fingering. my 4th fingers are the weakest link and i need to apply a certain amount of strength in order to produce a sound when i pluck. am i just a busy person? sometimes i wonder if i am asking for trouble? i could be contented with my current job and not take up any tuition assignments until my contract ends. i can learn my guitar at a later age since music has no age limits. if i am just working at my current workplace only, will i be a happier person with more time to think and feel the people around me? they are snatching all my precious leisure time away from me. dont worry, i dont feel depressed or pessimistic from such a hectic life. at least i know that i am spending every single second of my life with worth. hope i wont be burnt out before april comes.

"everything comes with a price to pay"

the temperature keeps rising

i cant help it but to feel unjustified for myself. i understand the need to push for it but please spare a thought for me. i am not a perm working adult yet. i am still going to further my studies and this is the last longest holidays i will have before i slog for the rest of my life in a few years' time. i am supposed to be enjoying every single moment of my life now and not suffer in pain and agony.

we are humans, not robots. how are we supposed to hit the unrealistic target? we have tried our very best but we are still under the target. how? extra hours? is it really the best solution? i believe our productivity drops drastically after 630pm. we are unable to get sufficient rest and the tiredness snow balls to the next day. so overall, the productivity does not seem to be there anymore.

the worst part is i feel that i am paying for a mistake that i have not committed. there are many external and internal factors, which are inevitable, slowing down the process. so how can you expect us to speed up and handle these factors at the same time? multi tasking? why dont you watch us do everything for a day and maybe you will see the light.

i appear to be very childish because i cant accept the harsh reality of the working life. i understand that hard work pays off but i am not willing to work that hard now. this is not the time for me to start building my career. i am just asking for some fun in my life. i do not want to live a dull and boring life, with only work revolving me. i want to spend time with my family and friends.

i truly admire those successful career women.

"dont be someone you cant be"

after much waiting

yeah!! i know that i am slow but the link is finally up.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/72419396@N00/sets/72057594066266626/

why do i have such power

i could not believe myself. i actually survived the day until now with a pathetic 3 hours of sleep last night. i was on the phone with jiefang from 11plus all the way till 430am. we didnt realise that time had passed so fast. how on earth did we maintain to chat for 5 hours? i dont know. i think it is the something between friends that kept the conversation going. i knew we both have to work the next day but i refused to hang up the call. it had been a long time since we last chatted with each other. i would rather sacrifice my beauty sleep than a precious friendship.

that's the beauty of her. i cant hide anything from her because she has known me inside out, left to right and top to bottom. she may hold back her comments on a situation when it happens, but she will tell me about it sooner or later. it is just a matter of time. i appreciate the honesty we have in our friendship. we dont deny our flaws or tell a white lie just to make the other party happy. if there are people around you praising you like nobody business, beware! to me, these people are the most schemeing people on earth. they are like wolves in the sheep's clothing. they dont contribute to your development but destroying your life. like me, many told me that i look fierce. i dont deny that point and i am not planning to do anything to suit anyone. i want to show everyone the real me.

bot our horoscopes are not supposed to be good friends. we should be avoiding each other as much as we can. however, we become best friends. that's another thing i like about her. we seldom agree on anything. we both have different fashion sense so we wont be copycats of each other when we go dating. we hold different views on issues. it has always been her dream to study overseas but i dont see the need to do so in the near future. we have different taste for guys, which is extremely good! we wont be hurting our friendship over a guy which i believe is stupid and childish. at the end of the story, it is always more worthwhile to have one more girlfriend than a boyfriend. i am more of the practical side but she is more of the emotional side. though we are different in our opinions, we never argue over them before. in fact, i find it interesting to know more views on a particular issue. it is much more exciting to have someone to challenge and question your view. it makes life more unpredictable.

the last thing i found out about her is her mouth STINKS!!!!!! we were watching the winter olympic at torino while chatting. the event showing was females figure skating. everytime she said the competitor would fall, she would fall at the next jump. it was not a coincidence. it happened for a totoal of four times that night. so the lesson learnt is never anger her because you wont know what curses she will use behind your back.

" a little effort and you can have it going"

looking back

how is your childhood? i dont remember much of mine because i dont remember playing with my siblings at all. it's not because we are anti-social but our age gap is too huge. when i was still playing toys, they were in upper primary or lower secondary already. so what can i ask for? all i remembered is my kindergarden playmates. the best part was the play time before and after class at the playground near my kindergarden. the most hatred subject was music and my favourite was drawing. the miniature tables and chairs, toilets, drawing boards and wooden blocks. the arguements over the trivial matters among kids, the fun of meeting my friends and the tearing because of those BIG bullies. after my school, i would pester my mum and recount every single event that took place in school. at that time, she was a full time housewife. after that, i would watch TV the whole day and not be bother with my school work. i was so engrossed with TV that my brother nicknamed me "the TV programmer". i knew eactly what shows and the duration of all the programmes then. i was impressive ya?

but looking at the kids of today, i sympathesize them. at a young age, they have to attend pre school. parents start to look for tutors in fear that their kids would not score well in their studies and sign them up for enrichment classes like music without knowing their interest first. why does thing change so much within a few years?

i shall be glad that i have my parents. they dont really bother me with my studies. they allow me to take responsibility in my own learning, together with their occasional guidance along the way. they dont force anything upon me although sometimes i disapprove their way of bringing the 3 of us up. i need to start to appreciate the simple things in life - my parents, my friends, an inspiring song, and even a smile from a stranger.

"simple blessings"

a long wait

hey people!! sorry for the delay. the long awaited cny cum birthday celebrations are finally uploaded. i did not have all the photos here. to view the rest, please go to the link(be patient! i am in the process of forming the link) . meanwhile, enjoy these snap shots.


my mum and i


my parents


s14 girls


s14


goi and i


i and eileen


eilzabeth, i and jess


jiefang with her bloody 'pad'


KNS!!!!!


my birthday cake


besties


pee's so-called ugliest pic


@ chijmes


the longest friend i have

i will remember

lessons i have learnt today

1. compromise
2. never judge a book by its cover
3. do not let your emotions rule your head. be RATIONAL!!!
4. do not keep all your feelings inside. you will BURST one day.
5. favouritism still exists. i appreciate EQUALITY even more.

suddenly, i am in love with it. i was excited when i took it out and unwrap it. i felt a a sense of purpose in life. at least there is something for me to do now, and not slacking my night away. it trains my mind and diminishes my weakness - lack of patience. patience is important. it's pointless to rush through things and i may make things even worse. stay calm and think logically when a problem strikes me in the future. it taught me everything in life follows a sequence. nothing happens by its own. events are inter connected to each other. one can be the consequence of another. so there is always a stop to a problem if i break the chain. i am not finished with it yet. i shall show you the final it when the time comes.

ps/ think straight. it is neither abnormal nor disgusting.

"i tell myself i will be strong"

a day for lovers or friends

Top 5 reasons why i should celebrate Valentine's Day

1. splurge on my boyfriend's money and encourage white hairs' growth for him to think of a unique celebration
2. to be the centre of attention for a day
3. to make others jealous of me
4. to feel appreciated and treasured
5. everyone celebrates the day of love

that is just a crappy list i thought of on my way home because i saw a couple cuddling together and doing you-know-what on the public bus!! oh my. i am not very disgusted by them but definitely not enjoying what i saw. since they are willing and daring to display their affection for each other openly, why miss the chance to "watch free show"? anyway, it's valentine's day today. =) to me, it is a day of friendship because i believe that most friendships last longer than the boy-meets-girl relationship.

it's a normal day for me except that i have received bad news from my boss first thing in the morning. i should not comment on that so as not to destroy my mood for work tomorrow. besides, i remembered i had 2 heavy meals, lunch and dinner. the uncle at the VEGETARIAN stall must be thinking i dont eat a lot because i am quite skinny. so he decided to serve me with endless rice but in the end, i finished every single grain of rice. the dishes my dad prepared for dinner today were horrible! i had the urge to eat takeaway. my wonderful mum just told me she had prepared green bean soup and it was waiting for me. although my stomach was close to brusting, my mum's desserts are irresisitible. yummy!

a brand new day at work awaits me.

"face it as a challenge"

meat makes me mad

should i say that i am smart or goi is a lousy actress? haha.. she called me on thursday night and asked me out for dinner because she was too bored at home. immediately, i knew it must have to do with my birthday. anyway, i pretended i didnt know anything so as not to destroy the element of surprise.

met up with goi, dingod and HQ at cityhall after my work on friday. i was totally restless on friday. i could not wait for 7pm to come. i was counting down with one of my colleagues. i didnt know where we were going to have our dinner and they refused to tell me anything except that the venue was at chijmes. i thought they were going to drink even before we had our dinner. please do not do that unless you want to get drunk instantly. we walked around chimjes and finally found the resturant- carnivore, the brazilian restaurant.

i felt awkawrd when i entered. the other customers did not match our age group. they seem to have been working for the past few years. And we, the 4 waiting for results kids, decided to dine in the same place as them. to make things worse, we could not understand what the waitress was talking about. her articulation was very muffled. in the end, we had to pay a heavy price for the lack of understanding.

from the name of the restaurant, you should be able to tell what it serves. the waiters will come and serve the food fresh from the grill. the chicken, ham and sausages were the best that night. the most exquistie dish we had last night was the chicken's heart. it tasted a little like rubbish and the jucie oozed out when your teeth meet together with the chicken heart in between. it was not a horrible dish but i had problem swallowing it down my throat. goi and i found it disgusting to eat that because it is a chicken's heart. if you dont find it yucky, try it.

when we were about to call for the bill, a card popped out from nowhere. it was wonderfully decorated. when i saw it, i thought they bought the card but i was wrong. it is the only one piece in the entire universe. what's amazing is the pictures at the front of the card had a story. they represented their thinking process of getting me a birthday present. so cool!!! the ideas were flip flops, pedi and mani set, coffee bean, wine, coffee beans, chocolate buffet, accessories and guitar.

we were a little stunned when we saw the bill. that dinner cost us around 250bucks for 4 people. actually, the main course was reasonable. it was the drinks' fault. 1 litre of evian mineral water costs us 9 bucks. that was almost triple the price we can get at 7 eleven. that lime alcoholic drink was not bad and 3 of it cost us 45 bucks. the drinks made us paid a heavy price.

it's affordable to go to such a posh restaurant (in our view) once in a blue moon. it's a pleasure to act like a rich person for that few hours. it's scary to eat so much meat for a meal in a day. it's tiring to tell myself i need to work out to burn out the many carnivores i ate that night. thanks guys for the wonderful company last night!

"it wont be hard if you put your mind into it"

find my fault

what's wrong with me? i have been sleeping late at night these few nights and going to work like a zombie. dont worry, i am not suffering from insomnia. dont forget that i am a heavy sleeper. nothing is troubling me now, totally no worries at all. that's why i dont know what is wrong with me. am i a hyper night kid?

maybe work is too dry for me everyday that i refuse to convince myself to sleep because the next moment i open my eyes, it will be a brand new day and i have to go back to work again. it's not that i dont enjoy myself at my workplace at all. i just find the duties plain and boring. nothing exciting at all! i need some excitement in life before i decompose, smell and dies. seriously, someobody saves me!!!! bring me more fun and laughter into my life.

"i will survive"

who i really

my colleagues stared at me in disbelief when i told them that i perfer girls to guys, obiously i was joking with them. one of my colleagues guyfriend is leaving for australia tomorrow but she is not taking leave to send him off due to the sticky situation they are in. do we really need that special companion in life now?

i dont see it as a must or need yet. i am happy with the life i am in now. i am enjoying freedom like never before. i have no committments to make and no promises to keep. i am not obliged to do anything for anyone. i am able to do anything that i like. i dont have to consider about the other party's feelings when i make decision. i am truly living for the sake of myself. do i sound selfish? maybe to a small extent but let's accept the sad truth that Man is selfish by nature.

dont see me as a opposition to relationships. i am NOT! i have my past and nobody, especially those around me want to bring it up. what's the point? what's past is long gone. just live with it and life goes on. i admit that it is a wonderful experience to fall in love. i am sure i can substitute that feeling by eating chocolates right? laugh at me all you want. i know it's absurd to compare falling in love with eating chocolates but the chemical reactions happening in my body is similar. dont get the wrong idea! how can we compare the life long experience we will share (keyword here is share) with the companion with the instant joy by popping chocolates into our mouths?

i am not afraid of committments. if you think carefully, we are making new committments every now and then. a few months back, i need to carry out my duties as a student. and now, i have to ensure that i am able to work efficiently and productively. committments are action promises. i guess i am more of the carefree person. i dont wish to be tied down soon. i can only live life once. i want to truly enjoy life before i settle down. i want to know more about the world. i want to enrich my life by taking up courses, learning new stuff and gaining more knowledge. i want to be further developed mentally and spiritually. i want to continue to explore and know the true me. i always believe that i need to understand myself first before i can allow someone to understand me. give me time to venture on my own and i will be a better person out of it.

being a carefree person. is that just an excuse to cover up? i dont believe in this word forever because nothing in life lasts forever. friendships does not continue unless you make an effort to maintain it. families break up. couples break their promoises. even human is not immortal. is it why i does believe in eternal love? but wait, is there any difference between love and eternal love? please dont tell me the difference is there is an additional word for the second phrase. how about not does not want to rely too much on others? could that play a part to my stand on relationships as well?

i am so tired after working today. i am seriously suffering from monday blues. the pictures i took on my birthday have not been uploaded yet. they are still in my memory card. i have not recharged my digital camera yet too. i will try my best to get it done as soon as i can.

"think before you decide"

it's never enough

i truly felt loved and appreciated today by groups of wonderful pals i have made.

S14 - the day started off very well. i managed to wake up on time and was ready to walk to pear's house by 10am. to my horror, i waited for the signal to start moving off for almost an hour. jess was late was what goi told me. i was thinking why on earth did this woman need an hour to get to clementi from bukit panjang? anyway, when i opened the door, i was shocked to see hq. i thought what was he doing at my door step? the only possibility i could think of was he had lost his way, didnt know how to get to pear's house and he has a fantastic memory because it has been almost a year since he last came to my house for cny house visiting. suddenly, the rest jumped into the picture and i saw candles. yeah!!!! so happy... i was touched when they told me goi and eileen woke up at 5am to make the cheesecake for me. pear went to search for the receipe online. they had to make the cake by themselves because no cake shop was opened during the cny period. and HQ for scouting available cake shops. the funniest part was the class alighted at the wrong bus stop and had to walk all the way from 2 bus stops away from the central to my house. it was freaking hot so i could imagine the amount of sweat and tears you guys had shed. the cheesecake was yummy. rmb to teach me when we meet up soon okay? maybe we can do that during one of the 3rd sats of every months. =)

KNS - left around 6 plus and met KNS at orchard for dinner at coffee club in kino because my dearest liting was working there on my birthday. =( as usual, we started taking ugly and decent photos. we forced pee to take a ugly shot because she has none in our memories. laughing at jiefang's weird triple eyelids. i love their present, esp our KNS photos and the last one. haha.. they know me so well. i guess i will have to look through all the photos and place more attention to the last one. you know, leave the best till the last. haha.. dont worry. i still love you all always! after having a heavy and my first decent meal of the day, we went to mache to try their cocktails. didnt really enjoy the drinks. the alcoholic content wasnt very high but it got our woon a little tipsy. she was laughing at everything whenever lydia spoke and had difficluties walking in a straight line. after qipei left, we went to one of the pubs at chijmes and started drinking again. lydia, jiefang and i secretly hid one of the glass - holy smoke from woon because we knew that if she drank that, she would definitely knock out on the spot. there was whiskey in that drink so that's not for the wanna be drunkard woon. there was a live band inside the pub and they rock. one of the guitarists' vocal was good. the atmosphere was great if we neglect the slightly smoky smell when we were about to leave the place. other than that, it is a place that is worth visiting again. =)

came home late and time check - 0208. i am supposed to wake up in the morning at 7 to go to work. what a depressing thought. i am still in the holiday mood, not ready to work my butt off yet. hopefully my boss will be kind enough to give us a earlier knock off time tmr, which is highly impossible. stop day dreaming!!!! i will have to look after to the weekends and after work for the next few months because there isnt any public holidays in feb and march. the next public holiday is only in april. that sounds so far away right? so everyone out there, please meet during weekends or after work okay? i dont want my life to revolve around my work only before i go bonkers.

FAMILY - it is the cny period so it's time to spend with family and my relatives whom i will only meet yearly. my family did not gamble when we went on house visiting. we just sat around and talked about everything. i drank a lot during these 3 days. the red wine after my reunion dinner, draught beer with my dad and visited a pub on my birthday. oh my!!! i should refrain from drinking for the next few weeks or maybe months. i am not a alcoholic anyway. i was close to tears when i knew my dad actually walked the entire clementi central on the eve of my birthday to look for a opened cake shop. he does not bother about my birthday in the past. he only treated the family to dinner on my birthday. he never bothered himself about getting a birthday cake for me. it was always my mum who would prepare or buy the cake for me. it is just not his norm. my mum willingly volunteered to bake a cake for me instead. the cake was yummy. that should be my breakfast for the next few days because i am sick of having bread with peanut butter.

i want to thank you everyone for the effort in planning these wonderful birthday surprises. i know it's hard and sometimes frustating to organise such event. i truly appreciate all your efforts. i promise i will love you all more and treasure our friendships. thanks for all the sms birthday wishes too!!! i still have them in my hp although my memory is 95% full. i cant bear to delete them all. haha.. when do i become a sentimental person? i am officially 19-years-old. be a more sensible person. i am already a big big girl. i should try to maintain my clean record. i hope it is not too hard to kick the habit. i have been a good girl since cny. =) be a happy and healthy girl!

"i feel blessed"

the company i seek

it's the eve of the lunar new year today. delicious food and great company.

my dearest buddy by the name of ong jiefang brought 3 ntuc sized plastic bags fulled with food to my house in the afternoon. oh my! she had overestimated my family's appetite. how were we supposed to finish the food that could last us for 2 days within a meal? anyway, the sea cucumber dish was heavenly. i loved the sauce. i must go your house one day and ask you dad to teach me how to cook so that my parents will stop bugging at me to learn cooking.

when the 2 of us come together in a lazy afternoon, nothing good will happen. today was no exceptional. we started playing with my make up set. haha. let me see. some of you might be thinking that we are vain right? but wait! dont jump into conclusions that easily. we dont apply make up whenever we go out. if the occasion calls for it, we are left with no choice. so we are not vain. we are still in the process of learning how to put on make up. to me, learning it is a must because sooner or later, i will have to do that when i enter the workforce. i dont want to panic and freak the hell out of me when the occasion arrives. remember the guide's motto - be prepared. =)

reunion dinner arrives!! yeah! that's the best part of the day. i love food. the reunion dinner i had this year tasted or rather felt different as compared to the other years. i could feel the sense of closeness within our family after so many unfortunate events had happened in the previous month. i am glad that everything is settled and has become history. my brother bought red wine. yeah! karen loves drinking. the red wine he bought was the one i love. remember the one you tried at my house jiefang? the bottle is not done yet. my next target is the japanese mei jiu. i haven tried it before. dont know what it tastes like although goi said it sucks. my mother's and brother's face turned red immediately after sipping the red wine. even their ears were red too. they were not drunk. just that their blood circulation is strong.

i am quite sad to know that some of my friends dont know there is such a thing called shou ye. when the children shou ye, they are wishing their parents to live till a ripe old age. that's an act of filial piety. is the traditional chinese customs fading into the background? i am not a very traditional person. it is due to my passion for history. i love the chinese culture. i am hungry for the knowledge. i want to know the past. i even had the urge to read the full version of the romance of the three kingdom after playing fate of the dragon. i want the essence of the past to be passed on. it's good to know your roots to have a sense of identity. i want to have something to reply on when i am living in a materialistic and realistic society. i need to know the true me.

"dont hesitate to ask for help"

it's here before you know

the long cny weekend is finally here. i was given an hour earlier knock off time today but it was pretty useless for me. in the end, i left the office only a few minutes before my official knock off time. dont think too deep into things. i am not the most hardworking staff around. instead, i was in the lazy and slacker mood today. i dun feel like moving much or doing sorting today. i was damn sleepy. i slept on my way to work, during the last half an hour of my lunch and on my way back. my workload is not tiring me yet. i guess i have to re adjust my body clock.

after this holiday, i have to waited again till april for the next public holiday. what a long wait. i am hoping for a break everyday. what about you? what have you been hoping for your life? i hope for good health. i wish to have happiness. simple isnt? however, the more simple my wish is, the harder it can be granted. for instance good health. bascially i just have to watch what i eat and exercise regularly. dont talk to me about the food pyramid to a anti green veg person like me. i attempted to taste some veg but they were horrible beyond words. i told myself to try to exercise more, especially now i am doing a office job but my body refuses to move. how am i supposed to have good health by leading a junk life?

may all my wishes come true.

POSITIVE

it's amazing the way i think can affect the rest of my day. i am not suffering from the monday blues when i woke up this morning. i told myself that today will definitely be a much better day and it did happen. although i am still doing the same old monotone sorting of the documents, i dont feel that the work is dragging me to hell, which is good.

one of my JC tutors said this before, "look at the mirror when you wake up in the morning and tell your reflection how you want to live your day". when i heard that, i doubted its usefulness. today, i changed my stand. i should continue to do that more often and my life may be well spent. dont complain that life is short because everything has a beginning and end. it's not the quantity but the quality that matters. live life with a purpose! stay hopeful because being able to wake up in the next morning is a bliss. i am able to take in a fresh breath of air because i am here to make an impact. create miracles i shall. =)

ps/ i realise my previous entries are damn depressing. that's so sickening!

"peace, happiness, hope"

RANDOM

why do people only learn to appreciate when they have lost it once before? why do we have to learn our lessons in the hard way? why dont i learn to feel contented? the situation is taking a good change. i am unsure if it is due to the festive mood or it is a genuine make up. i dont want to be deceived anymore. i want to see, hear and most importantly feel the truth. i dont want to crash my hopes anymore. or maybe i am thinking too much and too deep into matters. the worst thing is i could be complicating matters and creating headaches for myself. is it time for me to let down my defence and embrace everyone into my new life? i want to try to re adapt but that incident is still there.

"the pen's lighter than the spade"

WORKING

working for the past 6 days makes me appreciate school life more, not exactly the school but the company and the tiny little bits here and there. school is the second most forgiving place on earth. usually you are given a second chance or a warning before immediate action is carried out. unfortunately it does not happen in the working world. when you fail to meet the quota set by the boss, you just have to face the music. sorry is never sufficient. you have to promise to make things work and keep true to them. you ought to work ur butt off to meet the deadlines set by your boss. i was shocked when i asked my team leader told me my working place does not have a closing time. there were some cases when perm staff actually worked till the early morning, go home to bathe and went back to work at 6am. that's pure maddness! dont they have to rest? overtime seems to be a must do thing for all the perm staff at my working place. if you fail to do that, prepare ear plungs or a box.

some think that school is the most horrible place to be in because of all the bitchings and backstabbing going on. you have not seen the real world yet. when things go wrong, nobody will step out and admit their mistakes. they will just try their very best to push all the blame to the others in the project. even if they have to bear the responsibility for the failure, they wont go down alone. they will drag someone down to accompany them to enjoy the mess they have created. although everyone is working for the same company, i can clearly see a clear difference between the departments. different departments are treated differently. i dont know why. it could be based on the amount of revenue the department brings in or its efficiency. what a destroyed place i am in now.

i miss the company, the good old friends and funny and boring tutors. i miss the cheap and delicious canteen food. i miss rushing to all the breaks because i am constantly feeling hungry. i miss all the PEs lessons. i want to go back to the good old days when i was still a student.

i find myself quite a hard to be satisfied person. when i was schooling, i remembered i was complaining about the tons of work to do everyday, the boring lectures and irritating exams. i wish i can start my working life soon. and now, here i am, working for the next few months before i go back to my student life. i got my wish granted but i am still grumbling. what on earth do i actually want? am i that not easy to be contented with what i have now? stop complaing can i! start to appreciate the tiny bits in my life before they are gone.

"cherish and treasure"

SATURDAY

friends around me are getting sick of work, starting to appreciate the school days more. i am not suffering from the working disease yet because i had offically worked for a day only. many are looking forward to fridays and finally weekends to get away from the monotone work and to hang around with old friends. others may look forward to after work activites because it seems like it is the only time besides weekends to meet up with friends. is that considered as bad because you does not love your work and when that happens, you seldom put in your 101% in doing the work?

i dont think so. actually life is very boring. we all need rewards and incentives to make us work harder and better. that's why parents usually praise their children if possible because it makes them feel good about themselves and motivate them to do even better in the future. it's good to have something to look forward to in life, which makes it more hopeful. i am looking forward to my first pay day although the pay is qte miserable considering i will be working for half a month only. i cant wait for my april/may japan tour and my june thailand shopping trip. i am desperate to get my first car. let's continue to keep our hopes high. =)

i hate it when people crashed my hopes. you lift me up into the sky and drag me down to hell the next moment. how am i supposed to react to the sudden change? i want to remain hopeful in life. i am supposed to be a optimistic person. i dont want to see anger always burning in my eyes. i want to treat people with respect and gain respect in return. i just want to lead a happy life.

ichiban boshi rocks especially with the funng manager around.

"anger management manages anger"

.first day at work.

friday the thirteen. unlucky day. i was late on my first day of work. screw it! when one's life is messed up, nothing goes smoothly. i know it is a MUST to be punctual for work especially on the first day cos the first impression counts. i could not help it. luck wasnt on my side this morning. i had estimated my travelling time wrongly. the traffic was heavy and the bus practically stopped at every bus stops all the way to my working place. after moving off from the bus stop, it had to stop cos of the red traffic light. ARGH! traffic was crawling. i called my in charge and left a voice message cos she was too busy to be bothered with a late comer. when i arrived at my work place, i explained to her honestly cos honesty is the best policy. i was afraid that she would reprimand me in front of the thousands pairs of gossipy eyes but it did not happen. although nothing nasty happened to me for the rest of the day, i am sure today will leave a pretty lasting impression of me on her.

it's good for me to be at work cos it distracts me. i have made a choice. it's not the best decision. it is sort of finalized and i just have to stay through with it. give me strengtht to breathe again.

"DONT BE LATE AGAIN"

.buzz off.

i am freaking pissed off now. i regret writing the few recent entries. why the hell am i doing and thinking???? they dont deserve anything from me at all. appreciate them more? f off. i am sorry. my attitude towards them now is just hatred. why all the bullshit? thanks for being such a mean and stingy person to everyone. we do not owe you a living. i want to get out of this damn filty freaking place. i want to leave. i know escaping is not the best and the only solution to problems. all i know is that i will be able to breathe and think like a normal person outside. stop forcing me. stop giving me crap. i have enough of everything for the past 18 years. if you want to give me more, buzz off. i dont welcome you at all. i dont wish to see you at all. the sight of you makes me want to puke everything i have eaten for all my life. you just suck, seriously. i have lost all my damn respect for you. u will receive none from me. nothing from me in the future at all. i will be independent. i am not going to live off you anymore. i have enough. just stop giving me false hope and creating illusions in my head. i hate it when my hopes are dashed. you enjoy seeing people crying right? fine i will grant you your wish and cry all i want until i go blind. isnt that great? i wont be able to witness the cruel reality of the shit i am in now. you told me before you tried very hard to build everything from scratch. but you destroyed everything with a non living thing within a night? why do you become so heartless and inhumane? i thought you should have learnt your lesson in the most painful way anyone can endure. why cant you just mend your ways and be nice. i thought everything is finally over. but what the f. i was wrong. one comes after another. you think i am a bloody strong isnt? you think i can handle a blow after another. well, yes i am. i am going to endure all the shit and spit it back into your face. thanks for all the memories and making my childhood and teenhood such a wonderful experience. why on earth am i able to buy such experiences? non living thing???? you actually choose the damn non living things over the feelings of others. damn you! all you care about is yourself and damn non living things. bring all the shit to your grave. i dont care much about them. yesyes, you did everything because you are still angry. you cant think calmly and properly. f off. i thought a day is enough for you to sort out your thoughts but why is the situation not improving at all? it gets worses and i am sure it will be not much better in the next few days. you think you are the only one who is suffering in silence? hello!!!!!!!!! wake up!!!!! who is the victim here? who inflicts all the pain in me and everyone else?

i just want to get out of this place. how i wish i am working now. i will have the financial ability to make my both ends meet. i will be able to do anything that i like because i will be officially an adult. cant stand a moment in here with you. i am tired of pretending that everything is fine. i am exhausted.